Shadow Man Born A Citizen in a Foreign Land

"How nice." or "That's great." are quite possibly the two words most repeated (by me) in my life.  I might not mean it half the time, but goddamnit, sometimes I don't know what else to say - when I am really listening or when I'm not.  Nobody seems to know the difference anyway, and I am fine with that.  Honestly.  Currently I am surrounded by people who don't really know me - if they are trying, I am not sure.  Maybe I'm not willing to let them either.  I am fine with that too, honestly.  "Honesty," now that is a word.  Most people don't even know how to define it, or let alone live by it.  It is a game of probability we all play - according to the rules or despite.  At this point, I have no other choice then to be fine with that too.  Honestly.  

My Life As A Playlist

As pictures are to artifacts of existence - music playlists (or better known as the mix CD) are to time pieces of mood and emotion.  It is no rare moment when you hear a song that reminds you of a particular place in time in your life - or even a person.  Music has this unique ability to evoke those archived memories, stories of love and loss, and notions of why the fuck you ever listened to that song in the first place...

But so it is, so don't be ashamed.  I will admit that whenever I hear Sublime I think of high school luncheons at the one and only Burger King in town - cruising springtime freshman year with the top down of a red Jeep, blasting "April 29, 1982 (Miami)" while on my way to devour a chicken sandwich with cheese, french fries, and a coke - all for $3.17 (tax included).  It was a highly homogenized version of Dazed And Confused.

What follows is the playlist of my current state and mind.  These are the songs that are currently defining, and within some given time  down the road will remind me of my first two months living in New York City.

(If you are interested in hearing the mix, please provide an address and I will gladly send a copy).  

Fate or Make Believe - NY Spring 2008

1)  Time To Pretend/Sunrise - MGMT/Yeasayer

2)  Mykonos - Fleet Foxes

3)  Electric Feel/2080 - MGMT/Yeasayer

4)  Didn't I - Darondo

5)  Hard Sun (Into The Wild Main Theme) - Eddie Vedder

6)  Nobody's Baby - Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings

7)  Reckoner - Radiohead

8)  You Better Move On - The Rolling Stones

9)  Natalia - Van Morrison

10)  Back To This - The Helio Sequence

11)  Out There On The Ice/Lights & Music - Cut Copy

12)  Out of Reaches - Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks

13)  Painter In My Pocket - Destroyer

14)  Gold Watch - Lupe Fiasco

15)  Hospital Bed - Cold War Kids

16)  Innocent Son - Fleet Foxes

It Matters

It's just man plowing by the river...

It's just man calling "last call"!

It's just man who sings us songs.

It's too much man afterall.

It doesn't matter if the crows crow, or the crow flies.

It doesn't matter if there is sun or there is rain,

if there is rain or there is snow,

hot or it is cold.

It may take months or even take years.

Sometimes it feels like it all happens in one day.

Nobody said, 

It felt like this yesterday.

It rises with the sun.

It dies with the sun.

What matters most is,

It has to get done.

HyperReceptivity

I am sorry to admit, but I am confused...

With civilization, with culture, with love, with myself.  At this moment, I couldn't even tell you what day of the week it no longer is, if it is morning or night I wish for more, or if I am falling in love or despising the very thought of it.  I can't help listening to new material by Death Cab for Cutie - fixing my life upon their lyrical track work.  My heart is tender, yet at the same time it is poisoned by my mind...

I am lost, and I am alright.  

Staring at the hearts and minds of many, I cannot help but poke fun at the pink elephant facing us all.  Not a single person really knows what the fuck is going on.  Call it a transitional time period of civilization or culture (or are they the same at this day in age?).  Blame it on my age.  Just to get a glimpse of what my grandparents saw at my age is all I desire.  

I want to be BIG - to find Zultar.  Standing in line for the ferris wheel but still to short to ride.   Music provides the commentary of my inner ego - screaming to escape from the air-conditioned glass boxes.  It comforts my vanity and yet it wants to make me puke at the same time.  

Yet how hypocritical of me to comment on all of this by posting a blog nobody will ever read?  How maddening it is to want and seek change but not knowing where to begin.  Paralyzed by being a human.

So distract yourself as best you can.  Bury your emotions with the click of a wheel.  Post another comment so we can all agree we are really getting dumber.  Cross the line without even blinking.  Let's all purchase our first-class tickets to the end of the world.

I am this age only once, and loving every waking and closing minute of it.

 

Seeking the Unknown

Sure, life is overwhelming.  But what else can we do?  Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning news is one example.  Spend a quarter of your weeks earnings on horse raising over the weekend is another.  

There are an infinite number of possibilities one can exercise to ease themselves away in this time to pretend.  To escape - to either motivate or justify a living of earning and work.

Instead of looking for that "escape" - I often find myself journeying to the heart of reason.  Or at least attempt anyway.  It is the aspect of the "unknown" that influences and guides me most.  Knowledge seeping over in endless books.  Implementing a notion of a story line or character into your own life from the movie you saw over the weekend.  The endless hunt to define your life through the music in which you listen to.  These are all elements of seeking something "more", something "greater".  We almost can never be satisfied with what is in the moment - and that is perfectly fine.  

Some people choose to challenge the "unknown" where others find the "unknown" too challenging.  And then there are those who are (or claim to be) fine with whatever.  

I am in no position, or have any power to dictate how one should, or should not, live and spend their life.  By diverse means, we arrive at the same end - and the "unknown" rises every morning at the same time you do.  

Yeah, it's overwhelming.  But what else can we do?

Forgiving the Unforgiven

It was told to me by a friend recently,  the key to long life is:  

"Forgive everything, everybody, for it all, every night."

Since hearing this, I am beginning to put this idea into practice, in hopes it will become routine.  There are a plethora of actions and behaviors which fall into the category of 'forgiveness' - so I do not take it lightly.  I try to determine each night, what I personally would forgive someone for.  

Some rely on forgiveness as much as they rely on air.  Some believe their actions and behaviors don't qualify for forgiveness at all.  Forgiveness should not be handed out like parking tickets in Los Angeles, nor should it be denied or doubted.

Observing the power of life and love, forgiveness is a key to longevity.  If one cannot forgive someone of their actions, there ceases to be growth and development.  If it is over abundant, it looses its purpose and meaning.  

It had been a long time since I agreed to forgive someone.  I did recently (for reasons I never thought I could personally do), along with myself, and it presented a feeling of release.  

I am capable of so much and then, so little.  But by forgiving, it helps me close the margins on a 'little' - and provides the capacity to grow a little more.

The Beginning of The End of the Beginning

Every so often a song can change your entire outlook on life.  At least for the duration of the song - and each attempt to recreate that mood and timing with that chosen song, is a lost and failed attempt.  Imagine your life looking and feeling just like a movie, if just for a brief stroll down the dark and dilapidated block or mighty jaunt in your automobile, cruising through the mighty Southwest, the hard sun beating down on all the dappled souls.

Quite possibly the most inspiring of these moments comes when a song sounds as if the beginning is really the end, or the end is really just the beginning.  Where it creates life and takes it away.  Where you think you are falling in love, but you are really falling out of love.  

It is a cinematic moment, where all the ducks in the pond align perfectly.  And just as soon as you believe you figured out all there is in your life, the song fades.  You scramble to follow up on the moment, hoping to add more fire to your inspiration.   Time expires, as it so naturally does.  You lost the moment, just as much as you found it.

If there is anything, or if there is nothing, there is always music.  And there is time, all the time.